


i regret everything

by godimissthe2000s



Category: swiggity squad fandom
Genre: F/F, M/M, i did this purely because i am trash, there are too many people send help i am but a smol alcoholic just let me live, this is possibly the gayest thing you will ever read, you will be confused and bewildered and generally wondering what the fuck is going on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-10-03 02:24:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10233602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godimissthe2000s/pseuds/godimissthe2000s
Summary: i have sinned





	1. fuck you josie

Josie walked through the tables of the wedding venue. The bouqet was about to be tossed and she doesn't know why she went up but she did anyway because fuck it. She was far behind the horde of girls, unlikely to catch it. The bride counted down and launched the bouqet into the air. It sailed past all the bridesmaids and other female guests right into josie's arms. Josie looked down at the bouqet and was astonished to see that it had badly glued on googly eyes and a plastic duck bill. "what the actual fuck" josie said. There was light blush appearing on the side of those plastic duck lips. _they look so.. smooth_ Josie thought to herself. "Th-thank you for catching me" the bouqet stammered "my name's bernice, but you can call me your little snow bunny" said bernice. "why the fuck is a bouqet talking to me? why do you have plastic duck lips and googily eyes? generally what the fuck is going on?" Josie asked. "Do you not find me... arousing?" Bernice asked. "I-i-i-you-you're a fuckin-what the fuck" Josie stuttered. She had to admit, those plastic duck lips were smoother than a buttered doorknob and it was making her wetter than donald trump in a room with Ivanka. She looked back to her friends at her table. There sat Mo and Marie (the married lesbian couple), Stingy and Sally (the hummingbirds in love), Luke with himself (the other married lesbian couple), and willus and bitch ass (weird names but they were cute together and also bitch ass was Mo's son which was confusing because Mo was 14 and bitch ass was 23). They were all happy and in love while Josie didn't really have anyone. "fuck it" Josie said. And with that she carried Bernice into her guest room, locking the door behind her.


	2. fuck you renee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> renee x toaster

Renee walked down the hotel hall, dragging her toaster by the cord behind her. She pulled it towards her and started licking it all over. She was drunk enough to do something like this but sober enough to know she actually wanted it. She was happily stumbling across the hall when she heard something that sounded a lot like moans coming from Josie's room. She stopped and pressed her ear to the door. "ugh, kiss me with those smooth ass duck lips" said a voice that definitely belonged to Josie. To say that Renee's curiosity was peeked, was an understatement. She suddenly remembered that Josie had given Renee her spare key card to the hotel room earlier that day. Renee checked her pocket and sure enough there was a small plastic rectangle with the number 25 on it. "Wait here toasty, i'm just gonna take a little peek" Renee said. She was well aware that this was a major invasion of privacy but Josie was her friend so fuck it. As she was about to insert the key card she heard two voices coming down the hall mixed with the sound of bodies slamming against the wall. Renee turned around to see Daniel and Connor making out sloppily. Surprisingly they took a break from their face-battling long enough to notice Renee. "The fuck you doin Ren?" Connor asked. "Uh, ya know, just-" she looked down at toaster for a little help with an excuse "-just gettin that toaster dick" Renee answered. "Fuck yeah yo go gurl, you get laid, enjoy that dick" Daniel said and the two continued off down the hall. "You too" Renee shouted after them. Renee sighed and turned back to the key card. Luckily the small beep wasn't audible over the sounds Josie was making. Renee slowly opened the door just enough for her to see in. Renee almost gasped out loud at what she saw. Josie was straight up fucking a bouqet of flowers with googily eyes and a plastic duck bill. "Not too shabby Josie, not too shabby" Renee said quietly. "What's not too shabby?" A voice said loudly behind her. 


	3. fuck you morgan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i forgot this existed until Daniel reminded me

Morgan walked down the hall alone. He had seen several couples go to rooms together but he unfortunately was not getting laid tonight. He started to pull out his key card when he noticed Renee standing outside Josie's door, looking down the hall suspiciously. As soon as she had apparently determined the coast was clear she started to slowly open the door. Morgan slowly creeped up to her, careful not to make any noise. "Not too shabby" Renee said. "What's not too shabby?" Morgan asked loudly. Renee jumped. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Renee replied. "Josie's in there fuckin someone ain't she" Morgan said. "Maybe a little" Renee replied. "....Lemme see this" Morgan said and pushed Renee aside. What the actual fuck" Morgan exclaimed loudly. Inside Josie was fucking a bouqet of flowers with a duck bill and some googily eyes. "Did she put a duck bill and googily eyes on bouqet of flowers?" Morgan asked. "Apparently" Renne replied. "Should we go ask her why she's fucking a bouqet?" Morgan asked. "Dude she's literally in the middle of fucking it... of course we go in and ask her" Renee replied. Morgan and Renee burst into the room, startling Josie. "What the fuck are you two doing in here I'm kind of busy" Josie said and nodded towards the bouqet. "Well we saw you fuckin a bouqet and we decided to ask you why you were fucking a bouqet" Morgan replied. "I don't know why does Renee fuck toasters? Why does anyone do anything?" Josie replied defensively. "Also you're married to Kelsey" Morgan said. Just then Kelsey ran into the room. "Josie you said something about a threesome so I ran out in the middle of my meeting" Kelsey said panting. Kelsey looked at Renee and Morgan. "You said threesome bitch if I woulda known there were four I woulda ran faster" Kelsey said. "Bitch I aint in on this Im gay" Morgan said. "Yeah and ive kinda got some toaster dick waiting for me outside so yeah" Renee said. "Well then who's the third person?" Kelsey asked. Bernice popped out from under the covers. "Me" said Bernice. Kelsey gasped loudly. "BERNICE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!" Kelsey exclaimed. "Bitch I'm fuckin yo wife" Bernice replied. "Wait how do you guys know each other?" Josie asked. Kelsey looked at the ground in shame. "Bernice is my........ mother" Kelsey confessed.


	4. fuck me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck my life

Seven awkward hours later and Bernice had finally left. Kelsey and Josie sat in the bed together not making a sound. "So..... you fucked my mom" Kelsey said. "Well I'm sorry have you seen your mom" Josie replied. "..........She's a fucking bouquet of flowers Josie" Kelsey replied. Kelsey had never been proud of her parentage. Her mom was a bouquet of flowers with googily eyes and a duck bill. Her father was the greek god Priapus. That wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that he was literally the god of dicks. (fucking google it no joke he is the god of "livestock, fruit plants, gardens, and male genitalia" like what the fuck greeks? actual quote from wikipedia "Priapus is marked by his oversized, permanent erection" just search priapus and go to google images it will change you as a person). Kelsey wasn't ecstatic about the fact that her father was literally the god of cock. On the bright side that meant her dick was gigantic. A lot of people mistook her for transgender or something when she told them she had a dick but no, she was completely female but her father was the greek god of dicks so was she supposed to just not have a dick? Anyway Josie enjoyed it and you can bet there was pregnancy all over the place. Fuckin Kelsey and Josie practically popped out a kid every night. With a dick like Kelsey's it was hard not to. Sometimes Kelsey couldn't control her dick though. Sometimes it burst from her pants, raging. Kelsey had to replace several designer pants because her massive cock had burst forth with such force that it tore the pants to shreads. The dick just had to look at the pants and they would get pregnant, give birth, and then explode. The worst part though was when it happened in a crowded area. The dick would spin around at alarming speeds, smacking people maniacly. Sometimes it spun so fast it took off a few limbs. Anyway, Kelsey's MASSIVE DONG aside, she hadn't asked for any of this and now her wife had fucked her mom and things were awkward but little did she know, things were only gonna get more awkward as this week went on. 


	5. fuck you Angie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angie and fidget spinners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya happy now Angie you're in the fanfic

Angie walked over to the bar to retrieve yet another glass of champagne. Everyone had gone up to the hotel leaving Angie behind so they decided to use this opportunity to get shitfaced without the others nagging them about "last time you got drunk we all went to jail" and "you stabbed someone Angie this is no laughing matter". Angie laughed at the memory of that night before chugging several more drinks. They were up to about ten shots of pure vodka when they made eye contact with someone approaching them. The person looked vaguely like Leo but Angie payed no mind to it. "You look shitfaced" said the stranger. "That's cuz i am" Angie replied. The stranger smiled widely at them before grabbing their hand and leading them towards the hotel. Angie was pretty sure she heard some weird noises coming from Josie's room but she was more worried about the fact that Renee and Morgan were standing outside whispering to each other and gesturing wildly toward the room. Angie didnt have time to question them as the stranger pulled her along. "One question before I show you something that'll change your life, do you like fidget spinners?" he asked. Angie wasnt sure what kind of question that was but they were 70% alcohol at this point so they decided to go along with it. "totally i love em" Angie answered. They were led into the room and pushed down onto the bed. The stranger took his shirt off slowly and sensually but what was under the shirt was what really surprised Angie. Instead of nipples, this beautiful stranger had two gold metallic fidget spinners. "What the everloving fuck" Angie said. "S-so you d-dont want to... spin them?" The stranger asked in a voice resembling an anime school girl in a hentai. "Fuck it this cant be any weirder than Josie fucking a bouqet" Angie said before chugging yet another glass of liquor and reaching for the fidget spinners. Angie gave them a slight nudge and they immediately went into maximum spinning speed. After about ten seconds the stranger had already climaxed. "Why did i ask Mo to be in the fanfiction this isnt what i wanted seriously Mo what the fuck" Angie said whilst looking into the camera like they were on the office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you asked for this Angie


	6. fuck you Kass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kass your time has come

The night seemed like a blur to Kass. One moment she's at a wedding having a pleasant conversation with her friends and the next moment she's standing over the bloody, dismembered body of a middle aged man whilst Mo is attempting to cover up the Billy Ray Cyrus tattoo on her arm with golden spraypaint. Literally Kass has no freaking idea how she got into this position she has no memory of this. As the ringing in her ears subsides Mo's voice comes into focus. "This is what happens you tell me to update the story it's just gonna end badly look at this we just killed and dismembered the lead singer of Canada's most popular death metal polka band" Mo said. "WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING MO HOW DID WE GET INTO THIS MESS?!" Kass exclaimed. "Listen stuff went down at the wedding Josie fucked a baguette, Angie might have killed the fidget spinner dude but we don't have confirmation, and the only thing that might link us to this murder is these damn Billy Ray Cyrus tattoos and let me tell you I'm not gonna spend fifty years in a rusty prison in Guam because this guy wouldn't listen to us when we told him that exotic bird dealers dealers don't like it when you try to find the penis on the male birds" Mo replied not even taking a breath as she talked. Kass's memories started coming back in bits and pieces. The more things came back to her the more she wished they'd stay away. She clutched her head as she looked down at her companion. "So where's everybody else? Where are we? Please tell me I didn't actually tell a cocaine dealer that his fedora wasn't as hipster as mine" Kass fired questions at Mo. "We're somewhere in New York City at the moment not entirely sure where I just know it's the ghetto, half of the swiggity squad is currently stationed at various entry points to this seemingly abandoned factory while the other half is inside the building coming up with a plan, and no you didn't tell a cocaine dealer that you're fedora was more hipster than his" Mo responded just as fast. Kass looked relieved until Mo started speaking again. "You did however tell a _meth_ dealer that her fedora wasn't as hipster as yours". Kass sighed. "So...what now?" she asked. "You grab the body and I'll grab the spray paint we have a lot of Billy Ray Cyrus tattoos to cover up" Mo answered. As they hauled their stuff into the abandoned building suddenly Mo spoke up. "Ya know I have a really big semester test in biology tomorrow and I'm sitting here writing this instead of studying" Mo mumbled. "What was that?" Kass asked having not heard Mo. "Oh nothing I was just breaking the fourth wall" Mo replied. Kass shrugged after all a lot weirder things have happened.


End file.
